Christmas List

I want to live.
I want to read.
I want to eat persimmons.
I want to find joy in everything.
I want to love everyone.
I want to hug people more often.
I want to marry Michael Whisman.
I want to feel fulfilled everyday.
I want to scream at the top of a mountain.
I want to camp for days.
I want to get lost up in big bear like Pazely and I did years ago.
I want to tell people I dislike, to fuck themselves.
I want to tell bad people why they're bad.
I want to help people.
I want to learn about God.
I want to write something profound and lasting.
I want to be a part of theater.
I want to travel everywhere.
I want to go to parties and sing karaoke.
I want to run everyday.
I want to be courageous enough to look foolish in front of anyone.
I want to feed into Holiday Consumerism and decorate my house EVERY year
I want to use my money buying things for people.
I want to take road trips to the beach at two in the morning, just to catch the sunrise.
I want to keep my friends, no matter how long I haven't seen them.
I want to stay as hopeful as I am now, forever.
I want to make people feel like the world has hope.
I want to have two children: Vincent Michael and Penelope Marie.
I want to make everything I'm a part of better.
I want to be in a snowball fight and go sledding.
I want to cuddle on cold nights and watch movies to pass the cold time.
I want to cry for everything deserving of such a powerful emotion.
I want sick people to feel better.
I want my family to find peace with themselves and discover faith.
I want my mom to find happiness the most.
I want to drive with the windows down, a car full of friends, singing a song at the top of our lungs.
I want all things vanilla.
I want to stop wanting.
I want to appreciate being alive.
I want to taste, smell, touch and hear life and be worthy enough to appreciate something so incredible.

explanation

there are times when you want to explain something
but there would be so much explaining to do that you're at a loss for words
you would have to sum up years of experience in short, general phrases
memories could be hazy and you might get a part wrong
lines and stories may not add up
different emotions, feelings and words would get lost through translation
and you would end up cutting yourself short
knowing that there was so much in that time
so many things said and done
so many moments
you'd get so frustrated and heartbroken trying to explain something so profound
to someone who could never understand
that the only consolation to yourself would be a deep breath
and acknowledge that it's too much to say in one conversation
and so with one person confused, but unmoved
and the other, you, nostalgic and lonely in thought that can't find solace in empathetic ears
with this, all of this, a part of yourself gets buried and your mind tries to digress
memories and feelings that were once so important being stored away
little by little, in between short handed conversations and no way to express yourself
you get lost
   you forget who you are
           slowly, you disappear

Coming Clean

Dear Timothy,
      Your girlfriend Sofie found me on a Tuesday, several months ago, and since then we have gotten to know each other very well. I know things about her that no one else does. She turns to my comfort day after day and you still don't know. You don't know that I take care of her in ways that you can't.
      The truth is, Tim, I've seen you two together in rare moments and I watch your hands fumble around her. I noticed that you don't reach the places I can, nor do you take the time to touch or caress them.You rush and trip over your fingers. It's less about love and more about charades with you, it seems.
       I know things about your girlfriend that you don't. You don't take the time to, Timothy. But I do. For example, I know that she has a freckle on the back of her neck that you can't see unless she lifts her hair when you're close behind her. I know that her favorite smell is a warm vanilla cinnamon: I've known this almost as long as I've known her . I know that her favorite spot to get rubbed is her lower back. In soft, slow motions. I know that she has soft and slender arms leading to soft and feminine hands that guide me around her body whenever we meet. From her breasts, to her hips and thighs and right down to her toes, I've known our beautiful Sofie. Almost everyday, I know her over again.
      I realize this might upset you; however I couldn't keep doing this without you knowing how personal Sofie and I's relationship has gotten.
      I'm sorry Tim, but you're not the only one touching your girlfriend.
                             My regards,
                                     Sofie's Shower Loofah.

Fall

There is something about Fall that makes me feel so nice. It's like I get so excited that I die a little on the inside--in the best possible way, of course.

What got me thinking about this was that I was walking around the lake at the college with my pink little sweater on, hot drink in hand, and I felt so happy. I could see leaves fall and ducks swim around, pecking at each other, people wearing boots and cuddling themselves or each other for some kind of warmth. I wasn't expecting all of that to be as uplifting as it turned out to be.

I don't know what it is about Fall. The sun is out, but it's not as bright as summer, or as hot and violent. There's a coolness to the air that makes me feel like I could quite possibly be the most romantic person in the world. Which isn't true, but it makes me feel like I could be.

I start thinking about scarves and pumpkins and being with friends. Cuddling comes to mind and stay-at-home days when all we do is bake and watch movies, covered under blankets. It's strange to think how much happiness a time can bring. I have no idea what will happen this Fall, but I'm so irrationally happy at the simple fact that I'm living at this moment of time, that I could care less.

So, thank you, Fall, for making every year worth the wait to get to your season of loveliness.